I noticed it yesterday on our hike. There it was, my old enemy.
“Do you want me to carry Bodhi?”
“No, I like the extra weight,” Dusty says.
“Me too, but you don’t have cellulite to burn off your thighs like I do.”
Then again this morning, “How is it that I’m getting fatter?” I asked out loud. My mind starts to real…it’s been nearly 8 months since I’ve given birth and I feel like my body is regressing. For the last 8 months I’ve had the uncanny ability to stand in front of the mirror and pick all of my bodily ‘imperfections’ apart from head to toe: the muffin top that lurks at the top of my jeans is beginning to resemble a muffin top with extra cream cheese frosting on top, my ‘bikini bottom’ (the crease between your ass and your thigh) is starting to frown downward like the sad and saggy cheeks on a mastiff, and now I have elephant knees! When I was 15 and heard my mom and her cousin so affectionately name the extra skin/flesh that hangs off the inside of the knees I though to myself, “I’ll never have that!” But here I am…with elephant knees!
When I hear my wiser self talk she offers me a greater perspective. Your body is still in phenomenal shape after having a baby. Your body is exactly where it needs to be in order to sustain the life of your child. You look beautiful, brilliant and glowing. You are perfect, exactly as you are. And while I hear her, something prevents me from listening to her.
Pregnancy gave me the greatest gift I could have ever thought possible, Bodhi Blaise. But it also unlocked the jail cell where I was keeping my feelings of not being enough. Not being perfect enough. Not having the flawless, beautiful body (the definition of flawless I have created over years if poor body image).
Now I have the opportunity to really explore the root of all this shit! And possibly lock it up for good. But most importantly, I have the opportunity to connect to my wiser self and start listening to her wisdom and trusting that I am enough just as I am.
I’ve invited two of my favorite Forrest Yoga Master Teachers, Steve Emmerman and Talya Ring, to help me guide me through this deep journey of self-exploration. They will be in Denver, September 14-16, for the workshop Embodying Enoughness, right here at Root Yoga Center.
I invite you to join me next weekend, to explore what’s not serving you and to create a new life-affirming self-image. Also, watch for my follow up post after the weekend. We invite you to share what you’ll be working on during the weekend, and then what you’ve learned after as well!